|Giving female fans a face for their fantasies.|
This week Matt Forney teaches readers how to "get groupies by blogging." No, really. By following Matt's seven easy steps, any man can "enjoy a rock star life."
You see, women are "hardwired to mate with winners" and nothing signals "conquering hero" better than a soft, goofy-looking guy who makes almost no money and sits in front of a computer most of the day cranking out vitriol while deluding himself that playing in "a crappy local band" makes him a professional musician. See, we live in such a celebrity-crazed culture that it isn't necessary to be good at something: it's only necessary that one has a recognizable name: like, say, "Matt Forney".
Matt refers to a girl that once "not only made me breakfast, but insisted on doing my dishes, vacuuming out my living room, and dumping Drano in my toilet." I have little doubt this happened to Matt, but he refers to the incident so often (always with the telling Drano detail), it's obvious it was a fairly singular event in his life. Furthermore, what he takes as a girl being "suppliant" I take as a girl feeling sorry for him. At any rate, it's not a very erotic memory, is it? I mean, how bad does a toilet have to get to call for Drano?
Of course, Matt lays down certain caveats. First, "most groupies reside in the middle of the attractiveness spectrum." Really? So Kate Hudson-as-Penny Lane was just a Hollywood fantasy after all?
Second, groupies don't make good long-term girlfriends because they are all "ho's" ("ho's," let it be noted, who occasionally provide fanatically high levels of housekeeping service).
Third, geography is a major "cockblocker" for bloggers, since potential groupies tend to be dispersed around the world
Once he has responsibly forewarned his readers, Matt gets down to the business of getting girls by building blogs. See, if Matt knows anything, it's how to get women's attention. Apparently women on the internet like blogs about game, self-improvement (i.e., weight lifting), and punk rock because those interests make a man look "cool." "Unacceptable topics include politics, video games and anything that makes you look angry, bitter, or nerdy." (It's almost hard to type that last quote because even my fingers are laughing so hard.)
Then there is the matter of style. Bloggers who attract groupies "convey strength, confidence, and mastery," just like Matt. On the other hand, indulging in a "negative, carping tone" a la Paul Elam is the kiss of death. Girls want winners, not whiners! Writers like Matt himself, who project "unapologetic masculinity... establishing ourselves as dominant men who put women in their place." Don't squander logic and reason on the likes of women, and instead engage their erotic imaginations by describing "hot" sexual encounters. Look at the success of 50 Shades of Grey -- how difficult can it be?
But, wait, there's more! Read Aristotle's Rhetoric (I'll put that on my reading list immediately) for the fundamentals. Find your own voice -- but make sure that voice is deep and commanding. Blog regularly (alternate, perhaps, with lifting?). Network with other bloggers (cuz "no man is an island" yadda yadda yadda). Oh, and by the way, please buy Matt's e-book on the subject (of course!).
Curiously, Matt claims it is "absolutely vital" for bloggers to post pictures of themselves. I say this is curious advice from Matt because as far as I know, there are only two photos of Matt in the public domain, and they are only used by bloggers like me who want to mock him. In fact, Matt took down his old "vlog" because Youtubers made such relentless fun of his, uhm, less-than-dominant presentation.
Finally, Matt cautions would-be